And do you know the worst thing of all? It's not the fact that they could wrap this whole weekend up with a one hour qualifying session and perhaps a pitstop competition for the mechanics. It's not the complete lack of anything resembling a race. It's not even the fact that everybody in Monaco has a bigger yacht than I do. No, it's the fact that I have to write about a damn parade every year. And there aren't even any giant, inflatable cartoon characters (apart from... oh no, that's too easy a joke). This race is boring. Year in and year out, it's boring. Oh sure, it produces some surprise results, like Jaguars on the podium and Benettons not on the back row, but you could achieve the same degree of unpredictability by banning all drivers with an R in their names or anybody born within the sound of St. Swithins Day or the first 10 drivers to inappropriately use the pronoun "we". Let's just decimate half the field (and who wants to predict how many e-mails I'll get about that half sentence), hold the race on a real track and call it Monaco for old times sake (there are precedents you know). In fact, I believe we could probably hold the race anywhere above sea level and, by FIA regulations, still call it the Grand Prix of Monaco. (And the whole sea level requirement thing is very negotiable).

Maybe next May, I'll watch Drivel instead.

BRAIN FADE RETURNS

Even Jordan got their launch control system sorted out but it seems that somebody at McLaren is still suffering from brain fade. Apparently, the software is unfamiliar with the term parade lap. Or possibly even the term "race". Seems as soon as the car pulls up to the grid, the software thinks that the car's in the garage and helpfully shuts off the ignition. You might think that this would be a simple problem to solve and, if not simple, at least important enough to warrant the serious, undivided attention of a small platoon of very, very smart people with unlimited access to all the resources of a multi-million dollar, multi-national corporation. At least, this is what DC thought. What a bonehead!

And talking of Jordan, it was kind of strange to see a couple of yellow cars out there amongst the normal F1 participants. I'm glad that didn't last too long – it was starting to become a little off-putting.

THE EVENT

(I can't bring myself to call it a race). Well it could have been worse. It could have been 79 laps. In a break with recent tradition, 22 cars left the grid at the same time and all under their own power, and even more amazingly all 22 got through St. Devote and the Station (or whatever its called now) Hairpin without incident. Of course, it was only another 50 yards before the first casualty bounced off the wall. (For those of you keeping score, David Coulthard brilliantly passed Nick Heidfeld after just half a lap putting him into a strong 21st position). So half a lap gone and only eleven and a half more retirements before we'd see the checkered flag.

Hakkinen's regularly scheduled retirement came in plenty of time for him to get home and cook dinner before Erja got back from the laundromat and I'm left wondering whether Mika is now classified as a part-time employee by McLaren. Ralf finally managed to DNF without sustaining an injury, which was nice, and Fisichella cleverly chose to exit by smacking the same piece of wall as many times as he could until his car broke.

Even I look forward to pitstops at Monaco as this is the only chance there is of something exciting happening but it wasn't to be this year. The stops came so late with so few cars left that they were about as exciting as, well, the rest of the race. It was interesting to see Alesi come in for tires on lap 71 as this seemed to serve no purpose other than to hand Coulthard an extra point and promote discussion on the topic "Why?" (Do you think Alesi really hates Ferrari that much!) Finally, the checkered flag was waved and I could pull the blanket up over my head and go back to sleep, dreaming sweet dreams of the Indy 500 to come. (OK, so I didn't actually watch the Indy 500 and I haven't since they stopped using real race cars there but I'll bet it was more exciting than the Monaco GP).

Possibly the only exciting moment of the entire race came at the end as Schumacher slowed for the photo-op Ferrari 1-2 finish. I'd love to have been a fly on the wall of Barrichello’s brain as he caught up to Schumacher just yards from the finish. Either Michael has perfect timing, huge cojones or Rubens' new contract has some really punitive clauses in it.

AND FINALLY

Congratulations to Jos Verstappen for staying out of the gravel traps all weekend long!