Aren't you pleased that the teams managed to block the new qualifying rules for the British GP this weekend? It would have been such a shame had we had two competitive sessions and missed out on all the spinning and braking. I wonder if there is anybody in the civilized world that bothers getting up early or having lunch late in order to watch this stuff. I certainly don't although the ‘official' figures would probably claim that there are 16 billion people watching to see just how slowly Schumacher et al can drive when they really try.

The debate over the qualifying format seems to be an extension of the racing vs. testing argument in that the fans would like to see more competitive events and the teams would prefer to just keep pounding around in circles by themselves. No wonder Max Mosley said that these people got rich in spite of themselves. I understand that in an effort to improve the spectacle at the German GP, fans will be required to wear blindfolds and the TV coverage will focus exclusively on the pits. Oh wait a minute. Forget that part about the TV coverage – no change there.

RUBENS RUBENS RHUBARB

Due to popular request (thanks, Mum) I bring you once again the Insider's guide to what the hell Rubens Barrichello is talking about. As the season goes on it is becoming harder and harder for Rubens to explain why Michael is faster than him without simply saying “Michael is faster than me.” Through the use of advanced language/cognitive techniques, I can bring some clarity to Rubens' thoughts at the post-race press conference.

After the start it was quite clear
[That Michael was going to win]

that they had this warming up a bit better than us
[The weather on the front row of the grid was so much nicer than it was on the second row]

and it was really difficult to follow Kimi
[He wouldn't indicate, he'd pull out in front of traffic, it was almost like he thought I knew where I was going]

for the first three of laps,
[The three of laps represents the loser card in a tarot deck]

So we lost a little bit of time and it was difficult to catch him up. I was catching slightly,
[OK, so it wasn't that difficult]

I opened up on Jenson, but when I came to the first pit stop I went out a little bit heavy
[But really, it's just water weight. I can take it off any time I want to]

in the middle of the traffic
[You know, it was just like Regents Street in the rush hour]

and the car wasn't working very well.
[It wanted a tea break, it wanted a pay raise, it threatened industrial action…]

That's the part of the race that really cost me more points really and maybe the victory.
[No seriously. Stop laughing. I was a bit heavy in the middle of traffic and that cost me the victory. Jean, make them stop laughing.]

After all it was quite clear that Michael, on a two-stop, was doing a superb job
[Really he was and he said if I was good he'd let me borrow his old driving shoes next week]

and he was going to win,
[I mean, as long as I was heavy and in the middle of traffic, he was going to win]

so when I saw the safety car then everything was alive again.
[The dodo, Elvis Presley, David Beckham's career]

But unfortunately, again, I had too many problems on the first two laps warming up again and it cost me.
[Did I mention being heavy and in the middle of traffic?]

TOP TEN REASONS I DIDN'T WIN

As a further service to the Ferrari Number 1A, I present you with “Rubens Barrichello's Top Ten Reasons Why I Didn't Win.” Some of these have been used before, some are slated to be used at the German GP and some are really stupid ideas that I came up with. See if you can spot the difference.

10. Tyres. (This includes a number of sub-excuses such as pressure, temperature, wear, size, shape, colour, degree of roundness, smell, taste and how well they know each other).

9. Traffic – Michael doesn't have traffic.

8. The rain in Spain stays mainly on the Ferrari # 2.

7. You really don't want your car associated with number 2.

6. I felt bad about what happened in Austria and I let him win.

5. It's Michael's birthday (three months from next Tuesday).

4. I lost some time; (a) after the start, (b) after the first pit stop, (c) after the second pit stop, (d) all of the above.

3. The mechanics were having a joke and sent me to get a long weight.

2. I got lost and had to stop to ask for directions.

1. Team orders

MINARDI STOP AND GO AND STOP AND GO

You may remember me gloating last week that the FIA were finally trying to implement something I was championing ten years ago i.e. harder tyres. Perhaps ten years from now I'll be able to gloat over the fact that they have finally listened to me about re-fueling. Another re-fueling accident this weekend fortunately did not result in any serious injuries but, off the top of my head, I can think of one broken leg and a slightly over-cooked Dutchman as two examples of accidents that could have been far worse.

Hopefully, when it comes time for me to gloat I'll be able to do so with pleasure and will not have to pull my punches because somebody had to die in order to make the FIA see sense.

AND FINALLY...