Head resigns as Technical Director, signs as driver for 2005

Shouts: "I will show those no good overpaid babies how it's done!"

Grove, England. WilliamsF1 confirmed today that technical director Patrick Head would resign from his post and sign for 2005 as the team's sole driver.

"I share Patrick's view that this change of responsibilities will allow Patrick to take on an important tactical role as the team driver," said newly signed technical director Sam Michael. "It will also save the team millions in salary as Patrick will only be paid in tea and crumpets."

Patrick Head has since 1981 been an ardent critic of all team drivers for not being Alan Jones. Leaked memos from Head to Frank Williams - recommending putting Nigel Mansell in a wind tunnel, Ralf Schumacher in a shredder and physically spanking Damon Hill - caused quite a stir in the paddock.

According to BMW's Dr. Mario Theissen, the first test for the new driver will take place at the WilliamsF1 parking lot with nearby towns vacated for their own safety.

"Patrick is now in the USA for a sitting fitting with LazyBoy(tm) and will return for the test tomorrow," said Theissen. "We will of course limit the engine at 500 revs, for Patrick's own protection, and increase the limit by around 10 revs every month after that as Patrick's performance and eyesight improves."

Patrick Head was unavailable for comment but produced a stream of expletives off the record.

Team must work harder, agree vacationing drivers

Nassau, Bermuda Islands. A team of sunbathing Formula One drivers said yesterday in a joint statement to the press that their teams must work harder to produce a winning car for them.

"It is important that everyone in the team continue to push, push, push," said one F1 millionaire driver while sipping a glass of Pina Colada. "Everyone from the mechanics to the engineers, from the team owner to my assistant and hairdresser must give 110% to give me that winning car."

In conclusion all drivers agreed in the statement that the teams must cut down on testing, which is currently seriously affecting their tan, and increase all sponsor work involving bikinis.

Letters From Our Readers

Montoya ruined my dream of winning every race this season By Michael Schumacher "To say I am disappointed is to put it mildly. This season I finally have the car with a good enough performance to be able to win every Grand Prix of the season. Unfortunately that dream was ended by the mad Colombian in Monaco. "Winning every race of the season is a not an easy task, it takes planning and hard work as the season is 18 races long so every small bump on the road can cause you to falter and that bump was called Montoya who ruined my chance of Formula One glory. "When will FIA do something about that crazy driver?"

Montoya ruined my dream of crashing into every car this season By Ralf Schumacher "To say I am disappointed is to put it mildly. This season I finally have a car with a front wing strong enough to be able to crash into every car on the grid. Unfortunately that dream was ended by the mad Colombian at the Nurburgring. "Crashing into every car on the grid is not an easy task, it takes planning and hard work as there are 20 cars and only 18 races so every small bump on the road can cause you to falter and that bump was called Montoya who ruined my chance of F1 glory. "When will FIA do something about that crazy driver?"

McLarens to be detonated before race start, say FIA officials London, England. The sport's governing body, the FIA, said on Sunday that the safety regulations will be changed from the Canadian Grand Prix onwards, following complaints of McLaren wreckage after the European Grand Prix. In a letter to the teams, FIA race director Charlie Whiting directed that both McLaren cars be detonated before the race start in a bid to make racing safer in the future. "Following the race at the Nurburgring, it became clear that wreckage from exploding Mercedes engines has become a major safety hazard during races," the FIA delegate said in the letter. "In order to protect other competitors in the race, the McLaren race cars will therefore be loaded with TNT and explode, or revved above 15,000 for more than 3 seconds - which should provide the same effect." A volunteer track marshal will then be punched by McLaren driver Kimi Raikkonen as he exits the car.

SIDEBAR Trust To sponsor 2 cars so that Verstappen can fit in and race W. Weber Places thumb strategically over Ralf's first name as Toyota sign "Schumacher" Sir Terry Rowduck "Teammate crashing into you? In the golden days that would automatically mean you got to buy his wife a drink or two" L. di Montezemolo Ferrari president promoted to Fiat president

The Week in Pictures

		5Fuelling rumors of a 2005 drive with Williams, a fitter than ever Mika Hakkinen arrived in the Nurburgring paddock 50kg lighter and 150cm shorter.
		3The Jordan Grand Prix team continued with aerodynamic testing last week.

About the author:
Reginald Kincaid was born on 30th November 1912. Following graduation from the Royal Military College in Sandhurst he was commissioned in the Forth Hussars in February 1931. While stationed in Egypt with his brigade in 1934, he led the famous "Elgar" high speed camel expeditions that explored and documented the vast sand seas of Libya. In his own words he soon after became addicted to the "fine art of travelling fast" but exchanged camels for cars. Kincaid's exploits in European motor racing became legendary after being documented in his best selling biography "Racing with a stiff upper lip". Reginald Kincaid retired in 1991 and has been covering motor racing ever since. He lives in Surrey, England, and tends to his hobby of beekeeping along with sailing between the Old Continent and India.