Due to overwhelming popular demand, numerous petitions and the editor's sworn oath that Sylvester Stallone is not going to make any more racing movies, I'm back to entertain, educate and, if you speak English, bug the c&*# out of you. Now I know that many of you are thrilled, there may be some tears shed in certain clog-wearing countries but I'm sure that the overwhelming response from Atlas F1 subscribers will be: "Huh?" So let me explain who I am, why I'm here and what you can do about it. (Actually, I'm going to let you take your own flying guess at that third question).

Many years ago, although not so long ago that dinosaurs ruled and Bernie didn't, I decided that Formula One journalism was missing something - i.e. me. In the first Formula One Insider published on Atlas F1 in 1997 I laid out my philosophy and the creed by which I would live:

The Insider was established in an attempt to provide the internet community with a timely, accurate source of news regarding Formula One. Of course, it turned out that this was a very difficult thing to do so I've pretty much resorted to making stuff up as I go along. We do however have a motto that clearly establishes our journalistic integrity:

"We check at least one fact"

Each and every issue, without fail, you can rest assured that we have checked at least one fact. We won't tell you which one it is, and its probably not one of the important ones, but we feel that this is an important covenant between us, the journalistic genius', and you, the common reader.

I am pleased to say that I am still committed to these ideals. (Those of you who are disturbed by my use of the first person plural should be comforted by the fact that my psychiatrist is also troubled. Which doesn't adequately explain why I'm paying him instead of vice versa!)

Now I know that there has been some speculation concerning the timing of my return but let me set the record straight. It has nothing to do with F1 being JV-less. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that I can no longer watch Jos spinning or listen to Jacques spinning is not going to make my job easier. I don't imagine that Jolt Bumgardener could hold a candle to Jos and if he did Rothengatter would probably demand another candle. And could Pantano possibly have a mouth as big as Jacques' and feet to fit.

No. The fact that I no longer have Jos and Jacques, not to mention the Irvinator, to play with will only make my job harder. Fortunately, we still have Bernie and Max, who are to Formula One what Abbott and Costello were to opera, as well as David Coulthard and his ongoing attempt to win the World Championship by driving slowly until the race is lost and then going really, really fast until he crashes. We have Rubens and his brave attempt to claim that he is still the # 1A driver at Ferrari and Flavio Briatore and the rest of the cast of "As The World Turns". We have the Stupid Schumacher Brother (still to be determined at time of going to press) and Frank, Ron and Jean in their ongoing roles as The Three Stooges. And we still have pit stops. (Oh yes, I will be talking about pit stops this season).

Let the games begin. I predict it will be about a week and a half until I have some really good material to work with.

OTHER PREDICTIONS

• This will be the closest, most exciting championship race for decades.

• Within six weeks we will be lamenting the lack of close exciting races.

• The tire war will become the critical factor and we will all spend many enjoyable hours comparing the chemical formulas of Bridgestone and Michelin rubber. (OK, I'm not absolutely positive about this one).

• The outcome of most races will be determined by pit stops and many people will rejoice at this fact. (See, told you so).

• Bernie will retire and donate the bulk of his personal fortune to help racing in under-developed countries (like England).

• The whining and moaning about 18 races a season will not stop until formal agreement is reached to eliminate testing restrictions and reduce the number of races to something more manageable, say six.

• The inverse relationship between wealth and stupidity in Formula One will be proved to be a mathematical inevitability.

• McLaren's motor home will be declared a Principality.

• Team orders will be either allowed or banned - there will be no advanced notice as to which way this ruling will go.

RON DENNIS PRAISES NASCAR

I think its pretty safe to say that NASCAR is not held in high esteem round these here parts. So from time to time, when the expletives in my mailbox exceed a safe limit, I'll probably launch a pre-emptive strike on NASCAR just to substantiate my legitimate European racing heritage bona fides and score a few Brownie points.

But in the meantime, I found Ron's recent comments on NASCAR very interesting. As an Englishman living in the northeastern part of the United States (the geographic and socio-political opposite of NASCAR territory) I have long been amazed by the incredible success of this form of racing. I don't know if those of you outside of the U.S. are aware of exactly how popular NASCAR is but even here in Massachusetts every other pick-up truck has a number 3 decal in the back window and everybody knows what it means. (How many number 9 decals do you think you'll see in the Silverstone parking lot this year)?

Ron Dennis has said that he plans on attending some NASCAR races to try and get some tips. Now I don't like NASCAR for reasons that I'm sure most of us here share but it does have an awful lot to teach Formula One. But which of the following ideas do you think Ron is likely to come back with:

• A forty race schedule. (That loud bump you heard was me falling off my chair laughing).

• A forty-six car field. (Like Bernie could even count to 46 unless there were six zeroes after it).

• Live transmission of pit to car radio communications. (Remember, Formula One is not some sort of tawdry show put on for the entertainment of the unwashed masses)

• A series of support races that run at all the same tracks as the main event and that even feature some of the star drivers from the main event. (I'm not old enough to remember F2 but I'm sure there was a very good reason for getting rid of that sort of thing.)

• Pit access, driver access, owner access. (Silverstone can't even get an access road).

It is possible that Ron will learn that, in spite of the fact that they cater to their fans, NASCAR continues to generate billions of dollars but does anybody really have that much confidence in Ron Dennis? I think it's more likely that he will come back with an abiding love of full course yellows, banked ovals and Budweiser but then maybe I'm just a cynic.

AND FINALLY

I have really enjoyed my return to writing and am looking forward to the rest of the season. I know from past experience that you can please some of the people all of the time but I can really annoy everybody all of the time so please, just a few guidelines before you fire up the flamethrowers:

1. I am English. I live in America but I am English. Please don't abuse me based on the fact that I am an ignorant, oval loving American because it's very boring. (I am married to an ignorant, oval loving American and presumably my children will turn out to be ignorant oval loving Americans but that's their problem).

2. I don't speak Dutch. I probably should have learned over the last few years but it really doesn't seem worth the effort now.