Issue one. (Which, coincidentally, is Prince Charles' nickname).

BYLINE: See you later.

TYRRELL AND TYRRELL LEAVE TYRRELL TYRRELLLESS

Ken and Bob Tyrrell announced that they will be leaving the Tyrrell team sooner rather than later. The team, which will become British American Racing next year, will henceforth be known as: The Under -Performer Formerly Known As Tyrrell. Pollock commenting on the departure of the Tyrrells said it was regrettable but was reported to be privately 'partying like it was 1999.'

VILLENEUVE TO B.A.R. RUMOURS PREMATURE

These rumours are premature and should not be repeated until March 6th, the official beginning of the silly season. Oh sorry. That's the silly beginning of the official season. Its so difficult to tell the difference these days. On the other hand, rumours of Irvine to the bar have not only been confirmed but have been written in stone, laminated, dipped in amber and handed to the landlord of The Dog and Pony as a memento of all the beer he used to own.

HAKKINEN ESCHEW'S TYPICAL VICTORY CELEBRATION

Stamping his own mark on his championship-chasing season, Mika Hakkinen has boldly chosen to eschew the type of victory celebration indulged in by his colleagues. Unlike Schumacher's ebullient leaps on the podium or Coulthard's wide grin or Villeneuve's determined fist-clenching, Mika has taken to crying softly into his hanky. Sponsorship deals are believed to be forthcoming from Kleenex, Mills and Boon and Lifetime TV.

NATIONAL ANTHEMS

Don't you just hate it when the second place driver happens to be of the same nationality as the winning constructor? If one more person asks me why they didn't play the German anthem for 3rd place Frentzen, I'm going to make them listen to the Italian national anthem all the way through.

PROBLEM WITH PIT-LANE IN MELBOURNE

Following Sunday's race it has become apparent that there is a problem with the pit-lane in Australia. Last year, Alesi wouldn't come in at all and this year Hakkinen wouldn't stop coming in. (Rumours that Hakkinen came back because he forgot his lucky teddy bear have been strenuously denied by Ron Dennis. He insists that it was agreed before the race that the teddy bear would watch from the pit-wall). And we mustn't forget Glorious Esteban and the Minardi Hound's Latrine - he was up and down pit-lane more often than a Spice Girl with a pit-pass and an itch to scratch.

Strangely, Coulthard has managed to steer clear of pit-lane trouble in Melbourne unlike Adelaide where he couldn't even steer clear of the pit-wall.

RACE-FIXING OR GOOD TEAM-WORK?

According to Ron Dennis: "To finish first you must first be Finnish."

ENGINE BADGING

Hasn't this got just a little bit ridiculous now? It used to be just a little bit of a stretch. Mercedes would bung Ilmor a wedge of cash and call the engine their own. Then we had organ-makers putting their names on cam covers. Then oil companies trying to make us believe they'd developed their own Ferrari engines. What's next? A Winfield-Williams-Windex? A BAR-BAR-Black & Decker? A Benetton-Playlife?

Oh.

SPECIAL NEWS FOR DUTCH READERS

Alexander Wurz is reported to be suffering from an ingrown toe-nail and Fisichella has a nasty cough.

EDITORIAL

Its baaaacckkk! Formula One is back and with it that lovable parasite, The Insider. Oh come on. Admit it! You missed me really. This year is going to be a tough one. We've lost Verstappen, Katayama and Briatore not to mention all those wonderful Burger puns. But on the bright side, it looks like Hakkinen's setting himself up as The Insider's darling and McLaren's picked up where they left off. The allegations of cheating, whining and fixing swirling around Ron Dennis' team are thicker than Ralf.

So with the first race in the books, what conclusions can we draw? Well for starters, we can look back to previous seasons and deduce that we cannot draw conclusions from just one race. We can also assert, based on prior experience, that this will not stop people doing so. So why should it stop me?

McLaren is cheating, Williams sucks and Ferrari blows. Villeneuve is useless and Frentzen is worse unless we're talking about their hairy habits in which case it's the opposite. Only Schumacher could drag that useless Ferrari around for 6 laps by the scruff of its neck - anybody else would have blown up on the parade lap except for Hill who would've broken down on the drive in from the airport. Fisichella is the second coming and Coulthard is the coming second. Salo is also the second coming and so is Verstappen (still).

Eddie and Ralf won't punt anybody all season and Tuero and Hakkinen will continue to use the pits as a short-cut. TV coverage will get worse, the number of channels carrying it will be reduced, the price of digital PPV will hit the realm of theoretical numbers and Bernie will claim an additional several trillion viewers. Controversy will continue to be a thing of the past at least until the chequered flag drops. Pit-stops will be frequent and boring as will my comments on them.

And we'll all continue to watch anyway.