The Formula One Insider
One foot in the grave and the other in our mouths.	by Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.

ITALY - Sarah's brother. QUALIFYING BASKETBALL So I get up especially early to watch qualifying and a basketball game breaks out. Nothing significant happens until the last five minutes, every time somebody gets the ball they score and Shaquille O'Neal still didn't hit a free throw. And why did Hakkinen follow Barrichello around for two laps at the end of qualifying and then claim that his best and final lap was spoilt by traffic? Did he think it was Verstappen and that he'd be disappearing out of sight at any minute? Did he think drafting a slower car was a good idea? Did he graduate from high school? RE-CONFIGURING MONZA Seems Michael Schumacher may need a track map next time he goes to Monza. He seems to think that there is a sharp right turn immediately after the start. And is brother Ralf giving him lessons on starting? Mirror, signal. manoeuvre, aim at opponent. I'll bet Villeneuve has never felt quite as popular as he did when he saw Schumacher and Hakkinen trying to join him in his overalls 3 seconds after the start. (There is of course room for two other drivers in there). Must be his new cologne. SINGED SHINJI In the first non-refueling-related fire in many years, Shinji Nakano lit off a spectacular bonfire under the hood of his Minardi. Exiting in somewhat more than the FIA required 5 seconds, Shinji looked like he was going back for his keys and his wallet as he exited the car so slowly that the marshalls had almost reached him by the time he got out. Maybe when the FIA runs their tests they should actually set the car on fire and see what that does to the driver's response times. INSIDER 0, GOD 1 Well apparently I was wrong. I thought the Coulthard/Schumacher incident at Spa was a racing accident. Seems God didn't agree with me. When Coulthard blew up while leading the Italian GP thereby causing Hakkinen to lose his short-lived lead to Schumacher, God was clearly telling the world that two bongs don't make you bright. On the other hand, divine intervention has been historically rare even when the circumstances are even more blatantly demanding of re-dress (e.g. the Second World War, Libyan terrorists, OJ Simpson, Maradonna, the Spice Girls). So we have to consider all the possible reasons that the car Schumacher is driving is red! OPEN LETTER TO JOS Dear Jos, I just had to write to let you know that I went karting the other night. Fortunately, you weren't there so there were no fisticuffs but I thought you'd be pleased to know that on my third flying lap I spun out. To my great disappointment there were no gravel traps so I could not get the full experience of small, sharp stones in every orifice but I was left sitting hopeless and stupid looking in the middle of the track while the marshall was busy chatting up my wife (I don't think the kart was quite up to a power turn). I also failed to come within 107% of the day's best time so I could not go back the next day. The spin was,of course, due to the fact that I was driving an under-powered kart and I was forced to drive beyond the limits of the kart in order to impress all the potential sponsors that might have been standing next to the pinball machines. Also, they refused to put fresh tyres on for each lap and I don't think the grooves that these tyres contained were exactly per FIA regulations. Plus, that corner wasn't there the lap before. And there was oil on the track. Oh, and I'd had a couple of beers before too (have you ever used that excuse, Jos? If not, please feel free to do so with my compliments). I gotta tell you though, that spin was pretty exciting - now I know why some drivers become so addicted to them. My best crash ever! (Except for that one on the A11). Lots of love Mitch P.S. I do have an opening for a janitor next year but you'll have to bring $3 million with you. EDITORIAL Have I told my opinions on pit-stops recently? I thought so but I'm going to do it again anyway. Why oh why oh why do we even have pit stops? And if we HAVE to have them, why do we have to watch every single one of the bloody things? Last Sunday we watched the Minardi pit-stops, Rosset's stop, Verstappen and Barrichello, we watched all 55 seconds of Trulli's stop! We don't ever get to see these guys racing but the second they stop its "HOLD EVERYTHING! Get another camera on the pits! Ricardo Rosset is in for his 8th pit-stop." Who cares if he gets out in 9.6 seconds or if he just gets out and walks away. Stop it, I tell you, stop it. If we have to have them, and Bernie says we do because that's the best shot he can get of the sponsor's logos, can we just watch the ones that are important? This was an exciting race - apparently. We had passes for the lead, Damon Hill going from 15th to 6th twice, all sorts of interesting battles going on. But did we see any of it? Noooo. We had to watch the director trying to find a Minardi sponsor decal that he could zoom in on without having to use the Hubble telescope. I'm sure this will not be my last word on pit-stops. That will come when someone is finally injured or killed in a fire and pit-stops are justifiably banned in a rare case of the FIA's knee-jerk being on target. COMPETITION Last week's competition was to lip-read what Ron Dennis said to Eddie Jordan. Everybody was disqualified for not entering on a postcard which means that Justin Pickering will not get his name in this week's Insider for: "Now who's the stupid Schumacher brother?" This week's competition? Has the time of the Cochranism come and gone? Is a Cochranism an anachronism? For those of you unschooled in American jurisprudence I should explain that a Cochransim is the new American legal precedent whereby any argument that can be made to rhyme is automatically considered to be correct by the 12 most stupid people in the same room, the best example being: "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit." To qualify for this week's fabulous prize you must do better than: If the Ford's still going, it'll soon be slowing. For Verstappen to win, everyone else must spin. If you're driving for Prost, the race is soon lost. If your name is Ricardo, you can't drive without dough. If your name is Pedro, get in line with Ricardo. If the helmet don't fit, you're a great Scottish......Well you get the idea. AND FINALLY Why isn't there a woman alive who agrees with the movie Love Story that "being in love means never having to say you're sorry."

Mitch McCann	© 1998 Atlas Formula One Journal.
Send comments to: mccann@atlasf1.com	Terms & Conditions