By Mitchell McCann, U.S.A.
Atlas F1 Columnist

A1-RING – there has to be a joke there somewhere about phones and ringing but I'll be damned if I can think of it.

IS IT JUST ME?

Or is there a lot more elbow room in the old website these days? Reading the thousands of comments on the Bulletin Board and in my in-box for the last week, I am delighted to see that the IQ of the average Atlas reader just went up exponentially. My only regret will be the lack of Verstappen fans who are probably all still bugging their parents to let them borrow a credit card. Dutch kids are probably pretty upset too. And I promise, not a single joke about whether David Coulthard and Tom Walkinshaw have signed up yet.

I'd have a lot to say on this subject but, given the audience, it'd be pretty much preaching to the choir. Thanks for your support – I'll wear it always. I'd promise to write better in the future but unfortunately, this is about as good as it gets.

And just one comment, which I'd hate to see posted to the bulletin board…. For those of you who "only read The Insider" (while I appreciate the compliment), that is NOT a reason to give it away. I only drive Jaguars but nobody's given me one yet! Actually, that's not strictly true – I don't ONLY drive Jaguars and, now that I come to think of it, somebody did give me one but it was my father-in-law and the car caught fire two months later so that doesn't really count and...OK, bad example. Bobby, can I have a Jaguar please, it's the only F1 car I watch?

SO, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT?

Oh yeah! There was a race wasn't there. So, as I was saying, Joe Toto started out dead last except for Barry Shinything who was like really, really young and really dashing an' all, and all of a sudden, like, y'know, Joe Pinto overtakes like six cars and undertakes another one while fiddling with his spare change and humming Eye of the Tiger and then Hans Dehoch cheats, like y'know, really badly and all....

Sorry, I've been having terrible flashback episodes recently and Villeneuve's 'Drivel' move has just made things worse. You know that bit I was telling you about where Sly Stallone launches his car off the inside curb in order to fly through the air and overtake his rival? Well it looked just like Villeneuve’s passing attempt on Eddie Irvine. I'm not sure if that says more about Jacques Villeneuve or Sylvester Stallone.

The Austrian GP was actually a great race with tons of excitement, passing, tension, pitstops (mustn't forget the pitstops), personal antagonism and a totally unexpected plot twist at the end. OK, the plot twist at the end wasn't quite so totally unexpected.

The start was what we've now come to expect of modern Formula One. A high speed obstacle course. (I hope Eddie J's not spending too much money to put those bright yellow speed bumps on the grid). Contrary to my expectations, Michael Schumacher is capable of really appalling starts with or without electronic assistance and so we still get to watch him playing chicken with David Coulthard which brings back fond memories of all those other drunken, lurching starts we've seen over the years.

One of the most significant contributions of traction control has been the dramatic reduction in the number of first corner incidents which is directly attributable to the dramatic reduction in the number of cars that reach the first corner. After speeding past the marshals and stranded cars on the grid, the field was picked up by the now obligatory safety car in order to… Actually, I'm not sure why. At least over this side of the Atlantic they have a reason for deploying the pace car – it's not a very good one but it is a reason. In F1, it is seemingly done for the sake of safety but since the field is picked up after passing the danger spot and is then paced until long after the danger has gone, well one can only assume that this series is run by the FIA.

Once the race resumed we were treated to the rare spectacle of cars running close to each other and challenging for position on the track. Schumacher and Montoya had a great battle going until it ended in tears. Who was to blame for that incident? Off the top of my head, I'd say Schumacher. But to be honest, I'd call it a racing incident. Montoya made a mistake under pressure and was obviously not even going to be in the same zip code as the apex but at the same time, Schumacher followed him. If Schumacher had hit the braking point correctly, he would've turned in behind Montoya. All in all, an unfortunate incident for Schumacher and a break for race fans as far as this race and the championship are concerned. McLaren had the tactics right for this race but I'm not sure they'd have worked from 7th on the grid had Schumacher either had a good start or passed Montoya cleanly.

Thanks are due too to Montoya for doing his best Gilles Villeneuve impression and giving us the top 6 cars covered by less than 2 seconds after 15 laps. Williams is on the move and its going to be fun watching Montoya, and probably Ralf too, get in amongst the podium positions more and more as the season progresses.

I WAS ONLY OBEYING ORDERS

Funny that this should happen in Austria. First, let me state for the record that I don't have a problem with team orders. They've always been a part of the sport and, despite the prestige attached to the drivers' championship, this is still a team sport. What I do have a problem with is hypocrisy. Didn't the FIA say that this wasn't to happen after McLaren did it? Why is it that the FIA can take a simple yes/no question and come up with a maybe? Are team orders allowed? Yes, (that means they are, Max), or no, (which would mean that they aren't). As close as I can tell, the current FIA position is something along the lines of: only after 5 or more rounds, when there's an R in the month and the cars are red.

I don't really care either way: allow team orders, don't allow them – the game still works either way but for crying out loud, make a damn decision one way or the other.

As for the participants in this little charade. Full marks to Barrichello for making everybody else look like an ass. No marks to Todt or Schumacher for looking like asses.

SWEET NOTHING, SWEET NOTHING, SWEET NOTHING

What was Ron Dennis whispering in Ruben's ear during the podium ceremonies?

"Really, missed a gear, eh? Well I never. Who'd have thought...What a shame..."

"Do they pay you extra for that"

"Now I would never do a thing like that."

"I did think it was nice of Michael to let you be the first into Parc Ferme."

"I hope you have more than one bathroom in the motorhome."